WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.



I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.


Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.


There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.


I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!


Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.


Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

I am sitting here holding my sides with tears running down my face!

Oh my word!

That is THE funniest thing I ever read!

Had the same thing happen to ME in Bed, Bath and Beyond before Christmas!

Told East Texas - we need to leave NOW! He looked at me and then the bomb hit him!

"JEEE YA SUS Christ" was the response - with much hand waving!!!!

Needless to say, we hurriedly abandoned our cart and made our way home with all four windows open and East Texas hanging his head out the window while driving!



Payback is HELL!!!!!

OMG, L!!!!! this can not have actually happened to you. this has got to be something you found and reposted for us??????

DD and i are just cracking up. i'm crying and she's complaining that her head hurts worse now. (from her concussion/too much laughing) she says my laughing so loud didn't help either

Bless ya, dude. for a well needed minute of madness.

G, this can't have really happened to you.....hahahahaha

I have been in the same senario myself so when this was emailed to me I just knew that I was not the only poor sole out there..

I felt the need to share, sorry I should have clarified that this was EMAILED to me....

And Gen just for the record I did put the disclaimer in

Funny Inheritance Joke
The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his
hand and says, “A lawyer?”

Freak - you are too much!

[Source: NME.com] Muse forced MTV Europe off air last night (June 5) with their new stage show.

The band unveiled a giant UFO as part of their new set while playing at Germany's Rock AM Ring festival, however the prop was so big, it blocked the channel's signal from the event.

A member of the band's team told NME that Muse's UFO stopped MTV from broadcasting Slayer's performance live from the event.

Let's hope the band give the signal interrupting UFO a showing at their Australian shows later this year.

OMG That was great! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

You're right.... I definitely laughed out loud!

AGH HA HA HA HA HA!